Posted on October 16, 2018
Guest post by “Albert”
For years, the traditional 12-step approach to recovery felt like an insurmountable wall. As a “chronic relapser,” I found myself repeatedly picking up a white chip, a cycle that led me to believe I was “constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself.” This sentiment was echoed by a fellow program attendee who bluntly stated, “You know Albert, I’m glad you come to these meetings. You’re such a good example of a bad example that you’re probably helping more newcomers than you realize.” Such experiences fostered a deep resentment towards Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Narcotics Anonymous (NA), and similar programs. While I’ve been a lifelong practicing Catholic, the emphasis on a specific “God thing” within these programs felt like an additional hurdle.
Embracing a SMARTer Approach
A turning point arrived about seven years ago when my psychiatrist suggested exploring alternative paths to recovery. This led me to my first SMART Recovery meeting, where I experienced an immediate sense of belonging. Unlike the rigid structures I had encountered before, SMART Recovery offered a space where individuals journeyed towards recovery without the pressure of adhering to “time,” “birthdays,” or “anniversaries.” The ability to engage in cross-talk without feeling attacked, coupled with a friendly yet not overbearing atmosphere, resonated deeply. These were people who, like me, desired to stop self-harming and hurting loved ones, but had found 12-step programs to be unhelpful or even detrimental. I had found my tribe.
Non-12 Step Rehab and the Power of Harm Reduction
Soon after, my psychiatrist recommended a non-12-step residential program at Practical Recovery in San Diego. This experience offered a profoundly different and less hysterical perspective on substance abuse. Crucially, it helped dismantle the shame I carried for not achieving “success” in recovery according to 12-step standards. I learned that the success rate for any single attempt at recovery through 12-step programs is similar to other approaches, or even no program at all – around 5-8 percent. However, the data also suggested that with multiple attempts, the majority of individuals eventually succeed. The emphasis shifted from “keep coming back” to a more empowering message: keep trying what works for you. This was also where I began to understand that “harm reduction” is not a negative concept, but potentially a life-saving strategy for those not yet ready or able to achieve immediate abstinence. Addiction, I realized, is a behavior that, like any other behavior, can be changed with practice and perseverance. Recovery, whether in or out of AA, inevitably involves ups and downs, and viewing relapse as a failure was counterproductive.
Finding Peace in Imperfection
Fast forward a few years, and despite a few more bumps than I would have preferred, I now enjoy a “good enough” recovery. It hasn’t been perfect, but it is acceptable to me and those who love me. Most significantly, shame and guilt no longer dominate my recovery process. I have largely ceased using the substance that initially led me to seek help. My relationship with alcohol has returned to its previous moderation, as it has never been a problem for me. I primarily drink wine with meals, having learned that a couple of drinks of hard liquor on an empty stomach could lower my inhibitions, making my substance of choice seem appealing. This journey has reinforced that trial and error is a valuable friend in recovery.
Auditing the 12-Step Experience
Recently, a 12-step friend invited me to an AA meeting. Despite my past negative experiences, I accepted, trusting my friend and curious if my resentments had softened. To my surprise, I found the meeting amenable. The format – a topic discussion, a short speaker lead, and brief shares from attendees – was appealing. The attendees were largely non-judgmental and not preachy, and the concise shares encouraged thoughtful contributions. It struck me that being in the company of others facing similar challenges could still be beneficial. Over breakfast, I mused about attending meetings without engaging in the “counting days,” sponsor, or step-focused drama. My friend’s response offered a new lens: “Albert,” he said, “I hope you know you can ‘audit’ AA or any 12-step program. You don’t have to ‘get a grade.’ Show up because it’s interesting to you, not because it’s an obligation. Think of it like auditing a class in college: You can get the knowledge without worrying about getting an A.”
Making Recovery Groups Work for Me
This shift in perspective was transformative. There are aspects of AA that I now appreciate: feeling less isolated by connecting with individuals who share similar struggles, enjoying the fellowship with like-minded people, and occasionally hearing valuable insights from others’ shares. “Auditing” also removes the competitive element from recovery, which I had previously disliked. When I share, I choose to state my name and identify as an “alcoholic” or “addict,” depending on the meeting. If I don’t feel inclined to share, I pass. I consciously avoid individuals fixated on “counting days” or “working the steps,” preferring to connect with those I genuinely like, much like in everyday life. When asked about my “time,” I confidently respond, “Today, just like everyone else in this program,” without snark or shame.
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Thank you, “Albert!” If you would like to share your recovery story, please contact Dr. Horvath.